Stop the Shops
Published October 11, 2022
Last week, I was downtown at Costco to get some gas when the pump unceremoniously reminded me how far behind I was on my adult responsibilities.
“YOUR MEMBERSHIP HAS EXPIRED.
YOU MUST RENEW IMMEDIATELY IN ORDER TO HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF
PURCHASING SUB-SIX DOLLAR PER GALLON GAS FROM OUR OIL BARON OVERLORDS.
UGH, WE TOTALLY EMAILED YOU ABOUT THIS LIKE FOUR TIMES OVER THE SUMMER.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!
YOUR RIGHT TO DINE ON DELECTABLE FIVE DOLLAR ROTISSERIE CHICKENS
AND DOLLA FIDDY HOT DOG SPECIALS WILL EXPIRE IN
59 … 58 … 57 … 56 … …”
Frantically, I rushed over to the main store to renew my membership before the clock ran out on my access to the Kirkland Signature catalog of products. Knowing that I may not have enough gas to make the arduous six mile round trip across the lot and back to the pump, I just took a deep breath, crossed my fingers, and hoped for the best.
I passed through the seven layers of the Costco parking lot, past the swirling sea of shopping carts, and through the front doors. I ran past the greeter like a madman and flashed my expired membership card. Before the greeter could even finish, “Welcome to Costco, I lov—-” I stopped dead in my tracks. I was smacked in the face by “Christmas cheer” harder than a swinging paint can in the McCallister home.
For lo and behold, towering over a grove of plastic evergreens like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, stood a giant snowman whose very presence decreed that my favorite snack aisles had gone into hibernation for the foreseeable future. In their place was a collection of shiny glass balls, nativity scenes, and kitschy winter holiday signs.
And it’s not just Costco either! As I ran my errands that day, I visited three more stores and every flipping one had multiple aisles dedicated to Christmas! Seriously, what the duck is going on here?!
Costco had an entire block dedicated to the winter holidays in September already! When does this madness end?
Every single year, the so-called Christmas Creep (when stores start selling seasonal items for the holiday) gets earlier and earlier; but, at this point? It has absolutely gotten out of control! It’s bad enough that, as we destroy the ozone, fall weather continues to show up in the Midwest about a month too late. For goodness sakes, it was over 80 degrees yesterday! Only recently, have I found a few days here and there where it is seasonally appropriate for me to pour some of the sweet ambrosia that is pumpkin spice creamer into my daily coffee. But now?! This non-dairy nectar of the gods is already losing valuable shelf space to Peppermint Mocha and Frosted Sugar Cookie!
Christmas Villages on October 1st?! What a bunch of bullshirt!
Allow me to be clear, I am not some kind of Grinch. I love the holiday season; probably more than most. Trimming my tree every year becomes a spectacle of an event and I always dress the part. However, those two operative words are important - HOLIDAY. SEASON. We’re not there yet! And we shouldn’t even be close. In a downright awful turn of events, holiday stuff was already hitting the shelves in September. It’s getting to the point that I feel like I’m going to be able to find candy canes during Back to School sales. For fork’s sake, I haven’t even had a chance to watch Hocus Pocus 2 yet!
Two weeks ago, a friend of mine started the “Die Hard is a Christmas movie” debate in one of my text threads and I had no choice but to shut that crap down. Ain’t nobody got time to reply that Die Hard is most definitely a Christmas movie when several college football teams haven’t even started conference play yet.
And therein lies the problem. Despite winter having a better marketing department, autumn is the actual most wonderful time of the year. The crunchy leaves and hoodie weather of October and November run circles around the icy roads of December. Why should I be buying a pre-lit tree right now when autumn is as lit as it gets?
I mean, culturally we kick off the season with Labor Day where we celebrate the invention of the 40 hour work by taking Monday off and trimming that S.O.B. down to a nice, manageable 32. We celebrate Indigenous Peoples Day and Veterans Day, where we set aside time to give these groups their due recognition, respect, and honor. We have the magic of postseason baseball! In the United States we have postseason soccer and kick-off of the sport in Europe. Talking about kick-offs, we have NCAA and NFL football, and the beginning of the NBA and NHL seasons!
And then, before the month of October has even come to a close, we have Halloween. A holiday where you get rewarded with candy for being anyone besides yourself. There’s bonfires and hayrides! And let’s not forget, perhaps the greatest holiday of all - Thanksgiving! The majority of us get a four-day holiday weekend dedicated to family, football, comfort food, and pie. What kind of sick monster would want to fast forward past all that so they can have tinsel clinging to EVERYTHING?!
As mentioned, I do love Christmas, and the entire winter holiday season for that matter. I assure you, that when the time comes, I will be festive AF. But, in this moment, I find myself wanting to slap a giant “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL XMAS” sticker on every single holiday aisle!
Why are streaming services already highlighting their holiday movies when there’s some high-quality horror and slasher films begging to be watched?
Why the frick do I have to listen to holiday music while shopping when I can still walk outside in just a long-sleeved tee?
Why the H-E-double hockey sticks can’t I just enjoy my Thanksgiving before moving on to the next thing?
Unless these deer are here to celebrate the start of hunting season, they can be put away until after Thanksgiving.
Truth be told, Jesus has become a bit too extra of a basic white girl for me. Every daggum year, before I even have a chance to put the leftover turkey in the fridge, here comes Jesus, kicking in the door, donning a sash and tiara with his special red Starbucks cup in hand screaming, “iT’s My BiRtHdAy MoNtH!”
And given his stature, we have always permitted this behavior. But, nowadays, the man is just abusing societal understanding. I feel for Hanukkah and Kwanzaa who are likely the apologetic companions rushing through the bar in the wake, apologizing for their drunk friend, and begging Christmas to just be cool and wait their turn.
Fall JUST got here! I haven’t even sorted out my Halloween costume. And Lord knows it will be a solid month before I know what I’m bringing to Thanksgiving.
So I’mma need Jack Frost to pump the effing brakes already. To the Christmas Creep I say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” You are not welcome here. I did not spend YEARS curating a top-notch collection of quarter-zips, hoodies, and puffer vests so that St. Nick could just leap in from the top rope in motherforkin’ September! Can’t we please, for the love of all that is holy, just give fall foliage and apple cider a chance?
Unfortunately, it seems that we can’t. For the “Live. Laugh. Love. crowd” is waiting on the sidelines, chomping at the bit, anxious to get their Christmas lights up in August. And if this were a matter of a bunch of weirdos doing this in their own homes, I would typically say, “Do what makes you happy.” But they aren’t just doing it in their homes - they are actively recruiting. “JINGLE! JANGLE! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!”, this cult cries out as they descend upon society every fall. JINGLE! They gather in their gingerbread homes. JANGLE! They light the sacrificial rite in the Yule log-fueled flames. ONE OF US! JINGLE! JANGLE! ONE OF US! And they demand that we too pledge allegiance to the shiny lights and sparkly garland months before they are necessary.
And in doing so, they vote with their dollars and empower retailers to reduce the number of snack aisles at Costco. These tortured souls force pumpkin-spiced and apple cinnamon products off the shelves at the height of their rightful season. They encourage radio stations and grocery stores to play the beloved hymns of Celine Dion and Mariah Carey before it’s even Halloween. This interest group has made it difficult to find fall essentials in August and September. So I cannot sit idly by and say, “Do what makes you happy” if it’s not a private habit contained to the home. No, it’s an all-out assault on the most sensible members of society. Retailers rake in immense profits by robbing the rest of us of fall.
And sadly, there is nothing that any of us can do to stop those who have power from reaping in the rewards of placating a troubled sect of society that insists on handing out candy canes to Trick-or-Treaters. Here in Kansas City, the sane among us understand that even though the Country Club Plaza starts hanging the lights early in the fall, it’s not the holiday season until someone flips that switch on Thanksgiving night. For those of us who understand this truth, all we can do is persevere.
We can avoid the radio, sidestep the holiday aisles, and only purchase Reese’s shaped as cups, footballs, and pumpkins. We can choose hayrides before sleigh rides. We can light our bonfires, tailgate our football games, and pour some cinnamon whiskey into mugs of hot apple cider. While they roast their chestnuts, I’m using my open fires to make ALL THE FLAVORS of s’mores. (Seriously, if you’ve never subbed in a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or York Peppermint Patty - get out there and experience the best that this beautiful world has to offer!) I can block visions of a winter wonderland and enjoy the fleeting beauty of the oranges, yellows, browns, and reds of fall foliage while showing the world my impeccable sweater game.
All any of us can do is persist, keep the spirit of fall alive, and not allow the hordes of August carolers to cancel autumn. While this is an obvious intrusion, we must look at the bright side. By the time that normal people are making our leftover turkey sandwiches, complete with moist-maker, and are ready to holiday shop? We’ll be able to pick up our wrapping paper and lights half-off for shopping “so late” in the season, thanks to relentless cult of psychopaths willing to pay marked-up rates in September.
Of course, I just hope that come late November, I’ll be able to find a new wreath behind all the Valentine’s Day stuff.
When do you start putting up Christmas decorations?
And if it’s before Thanksgiving, “Who hurt you?”
